Colin Quinn: “Blamed cancellation of his awful show on reverse racism, ignoring his pathetic ratings, stumbling speech and the fact that his entire C-list entourage couldn’t beat Pamela Anderson at Trivial Pursuit.” … Dick Cheney: “The kind of guy who starts talking cannibalism the minute he steps on the lifeboat.” … Ben Affleck: “His uncanny ability to produce an unending stream of shitty movies and still get work rivals that of even Kevin Costner.” … Dan Rather: “Made Peter Jennings the most credible anchor in the business.” … Jessica Simpson: “The aesthetic equivalent of vitamin D milk.” … Donald Rumsfeld: “Carries himself in press conferences like a cranky grandfather who is sick of hearing his daughters whine about how he molested them every now and then.”